why?

So much to say, very few words come to mind.

Why?

There are so many ways to answer that question, but I cannot seem to find the right answer. It's a loaded question... At least for me. Why am I alone? (That's the first and foremost tonight.) Why do I feel the way I do? Why did that happen to my family? Why can't you just be honest with me? Why do I feel so distant, even when we're sitting right next to each other? Why... Why?

I'm not looking for answers, I'm just stating a question. In some ways, I'd like your feedback. In other ways, it's a rhetorical question. Communication. Honesty. Unconditional love. Selflessness. Compassion. Intrigue. All of those things are what I'm looking for. I don't feel like you seem to get it... whoever you are. It's not that difficult. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that needs to open my eyes and see you. See the real you. Perhaps things could be different. Maybe I expected too much... correction: I did expect too much. "...you would have thought by now, I'd learned something..." I thought I did. You would think that 4 years of being single would have brought more understanding, more self-examination, better insight. In reality, I only feel rejected, unattractive, lowly, a woman not worth fighting for...

All of that changed today when I had a talk with my friend. I was feeling overwhelmed by a lot of things -- not just relationships. Entrepreneurship had taken over my life and classes were getting the best of me. As we were chatting I was telling him that I was feeling all of the things I just listed and he simply told me how I am worth fighting for. I am beautiful. All of the things I needed to hear. There wasn't some epiphany, the angels didn't sing a hallelujah chorus... His words simply resounded in my soul. The Lord knew what I needed to hear and used him to say it.

So...

Sorry for the chaotic blob of words. I hope they've helped you in some way or another. I feel slightly relieved now that I've put words out there. My life may seem a mess right now, but I know everything will be okay... I have to believe it will.

kir.