everything.

Hello again. It's been a while... I'm not sure how many actually read this, but for whoever you are I'm sorry it's taken me a while. Life has been busy and to say the least, I haven't really known where to begin. Forgive me if my thoughts seem a bit scattered. I'm feeling a bit like that lately.

I was thinking about what I wanted to write about -- there is so much to catch up on it seems like. Maybe I'll write about the most prevalent topic in my life at the moment: graduation. I'm going to be honest, I'm scared. But in the same breath I'm excited... and overwhelmed and nervous and have no idea what January holds. I know whatever it is I'll be doing or wherever the winding road takes me, it's going to be good. I know that because GOD is good. He is faithful and never once has He given me a reason to not trust Him. Ah, my heart is so full thinking about Him.

Last night I was able to be at a young adults service at a local church. There wasn't anything incredibly special about this Sunday night and to be honest I didn't even really care to go. I was moreso going to support a friend... but isn't it funny how the Lord can even stir a spirit like mine? I surely do. I'm grateful for it. Those moments present opportunities for Jesus to come in and speak sweetly, softly to our heart. You give Him a mustard seed to work with and somehow He turns it into a huge garden. I love that about Him. I do, I do, I do. Needless to say, I left that service refreshed and was honored with an desire to seek the Lord more than I ever have. This season of life is intimidating, but I know there is nothing that He doesn't already know... I hope this is helping you as much as it has helped me.

God is good. Holy. Just. Loving. Beautiful. Present. Majestic. Worthy.

Hillsong has found its way into my life this semester. It isn't that I didn't like them before, but their music has been especially helpful at this point... One of my favorite songs is "Take All of Me". If you get the chance, check it out. So here's the thing, I LOVE minor chords. I think they are incredibly beautiful and I tend to smile whenever I hear them. You may find it odd, but I do. Now that you know that about me, you'll probably be able to pick out my favorite part of the song. The end. No, not like that. It's just this part at the very end when they say, "I love you so and I give up my heart to say I need you so... You're my everything." The word everything holds a special place in my heart. There are only two moments in my life that I can distinctly remember that involve this word. The first being the Sunday morning when my boyfriend and I broke up. It was in between services at church and I was trying to be obedient to the Lord. So... I broke it off. That morning my mom had decided to do a song called, "Everything"... Let me tell you, that was all I had to cling to. That song will always hold a special place in my heart.

Let's bring this full circle. Jesus is my everything. I'm learning that even if I was to be single for the rest of my life, He would be enough for me. He's the only one that will never leave me. I can trust Him. He loves me... unconditionally. He finds me to be beautiful and lovely. So even in this time where I have moments where I feel out of place and I'm intimidated by "adult decisions" I'll have to make in the next few weeks, He's still there. He wants to know about my day. I love that about Him.

Ah, it feels good to be back. Sorry I've been hiding out for so long.

love&peace.

i miss you.

I think I'd miss you even if we never met.

This is one of my favorite movie quotes. Of course, in the actual movie (The Wedding Date), the man is referring to the woman he's falling in love with. For me, this statement is true, but in a different context. I miss you... and we never got to meet.

Roscoe Athens Berry

My parents, Nana, and aunt went to visit my grandfathers gravesite today. Unfortunately, I was unable to go with them. My grandfather passed away long before I was even a twinkle in my mama's eye. He was in his early 50's with the personality like my daddy's (so he tells me). Had we met, I would have fallen in love with him and most likely have considered him one of my best friends. If he was anything like my dad, I would have been absolutely crazy about him... and he about me. To hear the way my parents talk about him makes me envy them for being able to spend time with him. He had a heart of gold, unconditional love, a great sense of humor (must run in the family), he was brilliant, handsome... traits of a superhero. He was perfect, I just know it. I miss him so much. You ever have a moment when you're by yourself and it just hits you? It happened me today. Tears, lots of them, came out of nowhere. Maybe it was the inevitable rain or the soft melodies playing in the background or maybe, just maybe, it was that I decided to let myself go. I can't seem to remember a time when I've ever actually cried over this, but today... today, I did. And it felt right. I hate that he missed out on ballet recitals, graduations, the boys baseball games, family suppers, swinging on the back porch, catching fireflies, seeing me grow up. I hate that he won't be present when I promise myself to the man I love. But I do know where he is and I know that one day, I'll get to meet him. Then I'll hug him, over and over and over.

Honestly, I've never realized how much I truly miss him.

all my love.

I've been thinking about you lately.

My 45 minute commute offers time enough to fit in a few thoughts of you. It's been over a year since we last spoke. I asked you to never contact me again. No phone calls, emails, texts... nothing. Oh, and don't even think about asking my best friend about me. Get out of my life. Those words were my last. Did it break my heart? Definitely. Was it something I needed to do? Absolutely.

Do I miss you? There are moments.

Two and half years is a long time, you know? We were so connected that to be apart was too difficult. So, we stayed close. Friends. I found it to be impossible to be just friends and maintain a healthy friendship after two and half years. But yet, we did it. For 3 years we stayed "friends". For me, you were always a thought, a possibility. For you, I was a mere afterthought. It ended and so did your thoughts of me. I held onto you so tightly that I thought my slowly-fading faith would be enough to bring you back to me. Surely, it wasn't. So, you went your way and I went mine. I was 18 and completely afraid of what was ahead. A new city, new people... a fresh start I couldn't see at the time. You had clouded all of my thoughts for so long. There were moments where I felt unattractive and far removed from the girl I once was. Over time I had replaced all of my "girl time" for time with you... My precious friendships escaped me. I allowed them to and I'm sorry for that.

You broke my heart. Shame on me for loving you so deeply when you didn't return the feeling. I was so blinded by you. Caught off guard by your interest.

Nonetheless, I'm a better woman for it. I've learned to let the past be the past. I look, with expectancy and courage, to the future. I'm not the girl you dated. Rather, I have become the woman I was meant to be. You taught me things about myself. For those things, I kindly thank you.

To the man on his way:

May the Lord richly bless you while you are far from me and swiftly bring you to me. You are going to be everything I ever dreamed of... and more.

All my love.

between the trees.

There's this band my friend introduced me to: Between the Trees. The name of the band should be enough for me to absolutely fall in love with them, but they have captured my attention with their musicality and lyrics... I find that I always end up putting one song on repeat when I'm listening to a new cd and I've found it on this one. I'd like to share the lyrics with you because they speak to me personally. To you it may be different, but to me... well... I think you'll understand.

Between the Trees
"you cry a tear to start a river"

So stand close to me
Don't sail away, baby
Let them see your heart
Let 'em see just how beautiful you are

So you head on down
To the bottom near the river
Just to wash away
All the pain of today and yesterday
And you try so hard
To wash away the spots
But your tears
Don't seem to do enough
It's just too much
Well, darling grab a hand
We promise not to let you stand alone

You're like nobody else, you see
Nothing less than any girl in your magazine
Don't you know you're special?
You're really something special
Baby

So you look into
You look into the water
And there you are
Just the way you left yourself
All alone
But lift your head
And look across the water
'Cause there you'll see
All of us together singing
Darling grab a hand
We promise not to let you stand alone

Darling grab a hand
We won't let you go
Darling grab a hand
We promise not to let you stand alone

graduation.

It's that time again.

Graduation.

College graduation to be exact. As much as I feel like I could be bitter about not graduating in two days, I'm not. Surprising, I know. Everybody has family coming into town, excitement is in the air. There's a feeling of accomplishment and high hopes for the future. I have so many friends graduating and moving on from here to something bigger, better. Although I'm not part of that group I know my time is coming. December isn't too far away. I'll blink and it will be summer. I'll blink again and I'll be dressed in a black robe with my diploma in hand. My four years of college have been... well... different. Not what I expected. It's supposed to be "the best time of your life". So, of course, coming into it I'm expecting this incredible experience -- a life-changing breath of time. But here I am, four years later. I've had my fair share of ups and downs, gains and losses. Friends have come and gone. I've loved every moment of the one-on-one times I've been able to have with my girlfriends and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in the world. Moments like:



We change. We grow. We go, stay.

So, here's to you. I'm celebrating with those of you this spring. I'm proud to have grown with you and been challenged by your words; encouraged by who you are as an individual. I pray that God richly blesses you -- wherever you go. May He increase your passion and provide resources for you that you never expected. Allow Him to lead you where He wants you. Above all, love Him. Embrace the small things, soak up every moment. You are loved, deeply.

Carpe diem.

why?

So much to say, very few words come to mind.

Why?

There are so many ways to answer that question, but I cannot seem to find the right answer. It's a loaded question... At least for me. Why am I alone? (That's the first and foremost tonight.) Why do I feel the way I do? Why did that happen to my family? Why can't you just be honest with me? Why do I feel so distant, even when we're sitting right next to each other? Why... Why?

I'm not looking for answers, I'm just stating a question. In some ways, I'd like your feedback. In other ways, it's a rhetorical question. Communication. Honesty. Unconditional love. Selflessness. Compassion. Intrigue. All of those things are what I'm looking for. I don't feel like you seem to get it... whoever you are. It's not that difficult. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that needs to open my eyes and see you. See the real you. Perhaps things could be different. Maybe I expected too much... correction: I did expect too much. "...you would have thought by now, I'd learned something..." I thought I did. You would think that 4 years of being single would have brought more understanding, more self-examination, better insight. In reality, I only feel rejected, unattractive, lowly, a woman not worth fighting for...

All of that changed today when I had a talk with my friend. I was feeling overwhelmed by a lot of things -- not just relationships. Entrepreneurship had taken over my life and classes were getting the best of me. As we were chatting I was telling him that I was feeling all of the things I just listed and he simply told me how I am worth fighting for. I am beautiful. All of the things I needed to hear. There wasn't some epiphany, the angels didn't sing a hallelujah chorus... His words simply resounded in my soul. The Lord knew what I needed to hear and used him to say it.

So...

Sorry for the chaotic blob of words. I hope they've helped you in some way or another. I feel slightly relieved now that I've put words out there. My life may seem a mess right now, but I know everything will be okay... I have to believe it will.

kir.

riddle me this.

I've realized something about myself recently. I tend to fall in love with the idea of falling in love and in turn, when I think there is the slightest attraction of a male towards me, I think I've stumbled across love. I know, it's precocious. I don't know why or when I started this whole thing, but nonetheless...

Over the past 4 years of being single, I've developed this idea that there is something wrong with me. I'm not pretty enough, I'm too intimidating, not skinny enough, I'm more of a "sister" or I'm only "marriage material", etc. I honestly believed those things. I must have done something wrong or maybe I'm destined to be single for the rest of my life. I just knew that there had to be a reason for it. It's amazing what you'll believe, you know. Then I got to thinking about it... That cannot be right. I have this deep desire to be married -- to have a companion. Somebody I can take care of and somebody to take care of me. Somebody that will witness my life and encourage me along the way... I simply want to be loved. Accepted. Cherished. Adored.

Can I be honest?
(It doesn't matter what your answer is, because I'm going to be honest anyway. You're the one still reading.)

Guys say women are...

- confusing and can't figure out what they want
- a riddle they cannot figure out
- that we don't know how to be "just friends"
- we speak in "code" and aren't just honest about how we feel

Women say guys...

- don't know how to communicate
- don't know how to be "just friends" without us thinking that they are interested (yep. process that statement)
- aren't honest with how they feel
- cannot be romantic because it's too feminine for them

Here's what I think (since this is MY blog and I can say what I want)... Both men and women think the same way. We're both needing/wanting honesty. Maybe if women would stop talking in "code" and men would learn how to be honest, we could get somewhere. I can say that I've tried both: the "dropping hints" scenario and being completely vulnerable -- laying my heart out there. Can I just tell you that neither worked? Nope.

Riddle me this, what is it that men want? Seriously.

growing pains.

I've come to the conclusion that one of the deepest pains in life is watching someone you love suffer and have no way to help them.

That being said, yesterday my dad had his surgery. We were at the hospital from about 7 o'clock in the morning til 9 o'clock last night. Through about seven hours of surgery and about an hour of waiting to see my dad -- we made it. I'm almost definite that those 7 hours were the longest hours of my life. The doctor said everything went very well and although he's in a lot of pain, he is going to be just fine. It was difficult for me to see him under all the anesthesia and pain medication yesterday -- he wasn't himself. He's in so much pain and there's nothing I can do to help alleviate the pain. I hate that... I think I was expecting the witty, bounce-back person I'm used to -- even under medication -- but he wasn't all there. Today he's doing much better, PTL. He's been able to walk around a few times and has been able to eat a little bit. God is faithful!

I simply adore my dad.

On a different note:
It's my 22nd birthday.

I can't say that I feel much older today, but I can say that I won't ever forget this birthday... I couldn't have asked for a better gift than for my dad to be out of surgery and have no trace of cancer anywhere else in his body. Knowing from this point on that he will be better is the best gift anyone could give me.

So, today we celebrate in Room 170. It's a special kind of celebration. Here's a toast to a long life, a birthday, and many, many memories.
Cheers.

sunsets.

I'm looking forward to this type of sunset in less than a week...

break time.

I'm ready to graduate. And that's not anything new considering I've been saying that since freshman year.
But seriously. I am.

I would just like to be out and move on in life. I know people are always telling me, "once you graduate, there's no turning back! You're forced into the real world." Oh ok, I've changed my mind. Yeah riiiiiiiiiight. I'm over school. Of course I'll finish, but I'm over my classes this semester. Last sememester was so much better. I had all leadership classes and it was so good -- I learned so much! But this semester is completely different. If I was studying in a different country that would make everything better :)

So, I'll go back to my Botany homework. PTL.

dan in real life.

If you've never seen it, please do. It's for your good -- scouts honor. I'm actually watching it at the moment... Let me tell you about my favorite scene.

So, Dan (a widower with 3 girls) meets this woman whose name is Marie. The way they meet is adorable, but not as good as the scene to follow... Dan and Marie are at this "shack" shall we call it and they're simply enjoying coffee and this incredible looking blueberry muffin -- to which Dan attributes the description of "planet". Amazing. The scene, in its simplicity and purity, depicts what it is like when two people meet and fall in love. I think it can happen... Not to mention, the music for the movie is absolutely phenomenal. Sondre Lerche is a rare gem and adds such symmetry and life to the movie. If I could ever have a soundtrack for my life, it would most definitely be the music found in this movie.

Not sure that I could talk it up any more than I already have, so rent it. Watch it. Trust me, I know you'll love me for it :)

leading lady.

Today was good. A lovely day outside, embraced by good weather and shared with beautiful company.

I spoke with a close friend tonight and somehow, in the simplicity of it all, I had an epiphany. If you've ever had the pleasure of seeing the movie The Holiday you may remember the part where Kate Winslet has supper with this adorable older fellow. His character had been in the movies for years and she is able to learn from his wisdom. During their conversation he says something to her that I will never forget...

"Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend."

It's so perfect. Too many of us women decide we are not worthy of the "leading lady" place and frankly, I'm tired of it. I am finished seeing so many of my girlfriends hurt and I've decided to do something about it. In my conversation with my friend, I repeatedly told her how special she was and how deserving she was of a man that would love her and treat her with respect. Somehow we get in this idea that it's okay to settle... This girl isn't settling. The Lord is teaching me to see myself as He sees me -- as difficult as that is for me to do. He sees beauty, worth, and a pure heart. I don't want to be the best friend... I'd like to be the leading lady. Embrace it with me.

g'nite.

long time, no type.

Hello there.

Today I started the first day of my last spring semester of college. After this spring I will not have another spring break. I cannot imagine life without one. And I'm pretty sure that when mid-March of 2010 rolls around I will be sorely disappointed. Or maybe not...

Maybe I will have landed my dream job, have fallen in love (which I've been wishing for quite some time now), and I'll be completely satisfied. Life has it's way of creeping up on you with surprises. Did I mention I LOVE surprises? Well, I do. Over Christmas break I thought a lot over the next year of my life: where will I be this time next year? who will I meet? what will I be doing? Of course I graduate next December and then what? Honestly, I've never really thought about where I'll be when I graduate, but I can tell you that I thought about it a lot over my break.

There are pro's and con's to moving back home to Atlanta... My parents live there -- rather, my support system -- friends, seasons. Yet, I have friends here too. I have a good job working in the Admission Department here at school and who's to say that they might/might not offer me a job once I graduate? But do I really want to live in Lakeland??? I've thought about places like Europe, Massachusetts, North Carolina... I guess anywhere that I think about has their pro's and con's. So, who knows.

And then there's falling in love. I think part of me has given up on the idea. Truly. It isn't that I don't want it, it's just that love has simply not found me yet. You see, I have this horrible habit of meeting somebody, getting to know them a bit, and then falling for them. And when I say, "fall for them", I mean that I fall deep into this idea that maybe someday they will wake up and see me there. Yes, me. Maybe they'll take note that I'm worth it. Of course love isn't easy, but it's certainly worth it. I've watched my parents and I can only dream of being in love like they are. I want to be noticed... but I'm finished on looking for it myself. When it's time, it will happen. It cannot come too soon.

So, however you may take this, I leave you with this charge (however church-y that just sounded!):

open up your eyes and see what's in front of you.