between the trees.

There's this band my friend introduced me to: Between the Trees. The name of the band should be enough for me to absolutely fall in love with them, but they have captured my attention with their musicality and lyrics... I find that I always end up putting one song on repeat when I'm listening to a new cd and I've found it on this one. I'd like to share the lyrics with you because they speak to me personally. To you it may be different, but to me... well... I think you'll understand.

Between the Trees
"you cry a tear to start a river"

So stand close to me
Don't sail away, baby
Let them see your heart
Let 'em see just how beautiful you are

So you head on down
To the bottom near the river
Just to wash away
All the pain of today and yesterday
And you try so hard
To wash away the spots
But your tears
Don't seem to do enough
It's just too much
Well, darling grab a hand
We promise not to let you stand alone

You're like nobody else, you see
Nothing less than any girl in your magazine
Don't you know you're special?
You're really something special
Baby

So you look into
You look into the water
And there you are
Just the way you left yourself
All alone
But lift your head
And look across the water
'Cause there you'll see
All of us together singing
Darling grab a hand
We promise not to let you stand alone

Darling grab a hand
We won't let you go
Darling grab a hand
We promise not to let you stand alone

graduation.

It's that time again.

Graduation.

College graduation to be exact. As much as I feel like I could be bitter about not graduating in two days, I'm not. Surprising, I know. Everybody has family coming into town, excitement is in the air. There's a feeling of accomplishment and high hopes for the future. I have so many friends graduating and moving on from here to something bigger, better. Although I'm not part of that group I know my time is coming. December isn't too far away. I'll blink and it will be summer. I'll blink again and I'll be dressed in a black robe with my diploma in hand. My four years of college have been... well... different. Not what I expected. It's supposed to be "the best time of your life". So, of course, coming into it I'm expecting this incredible experience -- a life-changing breath of time. But here I am, four years later. I've had my fair share of ups and downs, gains and losses. Friends have come and gone. I've loved every moment of the one-on-one times I've been able to have with my girlfriends and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in the world. Moments like:



We change. We grow. We go, stay.

So, here's to you. I'm celebrating with those of you this spring. I'm proud to have grown with you and been challenged by your words; encouraged by who you are as an individual. I pray that God richly blesses you -- wherever you go. May He increase your passion and provide resources for you that you never expected. Allow Him to lead you where He wants you. Above all, love Him. Embrace the small things, soak up every moment. You are loved, deeply.

Carpe diem.

why?

So much to say, very few words come to mind.

Why?

There are so many ways to answer that question, but I cannot seem to find the right answer. It's a loaded question... At least for me. Why am I alone? (That's the first and foremost tonight.) Why do I feel the way I do? Why did that happen to my family? Why can't you just be honest with me? Why do I feel so distant, even when we're sitting right next to each other? Why... Why?

I'm not looking for answers, I'm just stating a question. In some ways, I'd like your feedback. In other ways, it's a rhetorical question. Communication. Honesty. Unconditional love. Selflessness. Compassion. Intrigue. All of those things are what I'm looking for. I don't feel like you seem to get it... whoever you are. It's not that difficult. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that needs to open my eyes and see you. See the real you. Perhaps things could be different. Maybe I expected too much... correction: I did expect too much. "...you would have thought by now, I'd learned something..." I thought I did. You would think that 4 years of being single would have brought more understanding, more self-examination, better insight. In reality, I only feel rejected, unattractive, lowly, a woman not worth fighting for...

All of that changed today when I had a talk with my friend. I was feeling overwhelmed by a lot of things -- not just relationships. Entrepreneurship had taken over my life and classes were getting the best of me. As we were chatting I was telling him that I was feeling all of the things I just listed and he simply told me how I am worth fighting for. I am beautiful. All of the things I needed to hear. There wasn't some epiphany, the angels didn't sing a hallelujah chorus... His words simply resounded in my soul. The Lord knew what I needed to hear and used him to say it.

So...

Sorry for the chaotic blob of words. I hope they've helped you in some way or another. I feel slightly relieved now that I've put words out there. My life may seem a mess right now, but I know everything will be okay... I have to believe it will.

kir.

riddle me this.

I've realized something about myself recently. I tend to fall in love with the idea of falling in love and in turn, when I think there is the slightest attraction of a male towards me, I think I've stumbled across love. I know, it's precocious. I don't know why or when I started this whole thing, but nonetheless...

Over the past 4 years of being single, I've developed this idea that there is something wrong with me. I'm not pretty enough, I'm too intimidating, not skinny enough, I'm more of a "sister" or I'm only "marriage material", etc. I honestly believed those things. I must have done something wrong or maybe I'm destined to be single for the rest of my life. I just knew that there had to be a reason for it. It's amazing what you'll believe, you know. Then I got to thinking about it... That cannot be right. I have this deep desire to be married -- to have a companion. Somebody I can take care of and somebody to take care of me. Somebody that will witness my life and encourage me along the way... I simply want to be loved. Accepted. Cherished. Adored.

Can I be honest?
(It doesn't matter what your answer is, because I'm going to be honest anyway. You're the one still reading.)

Guys say women are...

- confusing and can't figure out what they want
- a riddle they cannot figure out
- that we don't know how to be "just friends"
- we speak in "code" and aren't just honest about how we feel

Women say guys...

- don't know how to communicate
- don't know how to be "just friends" without us thinking that they are interested (yep. process that statement)
- aren't honest with how they feel
- cannot be romantic because it's too feminine for them

Here's what I think (since this is MY blog and I can say what I want)... Both men and women think the same way. We're both needing/wanting honesty. Maybe if women would stop talking in "code" and men would learn how to be honest, we could get somewhere. I can say that I've tried both: the "dropping hints" scenario and being completely vulnerable -- laying my heart out there. Can I just tell you that neither worked? Nope.

Riddle me this, what is it that men want? Seriously.

growing pains.

I've come to the conclusion that one of the deepest pains in life is watching someone you love suffer and have no way to help them.

That being said, yesterday my dad had his surgery. We were at the hospital from about 7 o'clock in the morning til 9 o'clock last night. Through about seven hours of surgery and about an hour of waiting to see my dad -- we made it. I'm almost definite that those 7 hours were the longest hours of my life. The doctor said everything went very well and although he's in a lot of pain, he is going to be just fine. It was difficult for me to see him under all the anesthesia and pain medication yesterday -- he wasn't himself. He's in so much pain and there's nothing I can do to help alleviate the pain. I hate that... I think I was expecting the witty, bounce-back person I'm used to -- even under medication -- but he wasn't all there. Today he's doing much better, PTL. He's been able to walk around a few times and has been able to eat a little bit. God is faithful!

I simply adore my dad.

On a different note:
It's my 22nd birthday.

I can't say that I feel much older today, but I can say that I won't ever forget this birthday... I couldn't have asked for a better gift than for my dad to be out of surgery and have no trace of cancer anywhere else in his body. Knowing from this point on that he will be better is the best gift anyone could give me.

So, today we celebrate in Room 170. It's a special kind of celebration. Here's a toast to a long life, a birthday, and many, many memories.
Cheers.

sunsets.

I'm looking forward to this type of sunset in less than a week...

break time.

I'm ready to graduate. And that's not anything new considering I've been saying that since freshman year.
But seriously. I am.

I would just like to be out and move on in life. I know people are always telling me, "once you graduate, there's no turning back! You're forced into the real world." Oh ok, I've changed my mind. Yeah riiiiiiiiiight. I'm over school. Of course I'll finish, but I'm over my classes this semester. Last sememester was so much better. I had all leadership classes and it was so good -- I learned so much! But this semester is completely different. If I was studying in a different country that would make everything better :)

So, I'll go back to my Botany homework. PTL.